what I came to prove

I've got to make up my mind
Stay in or get the fuck out...

What's important? What matters to me? Safety? Comfort?

What do I want?

What am I gaining? What am I sacrificing? What is at stake?

What is best for me?

I'm surprised that when it comes to the truth, no lies, no more trying to ignore things that were said, it's so difficult to figure out... it's so difficult to organize and write down my thoughts.

Let's start with what I am sure about:

• This relationships seeds an insecurity in me. I'm always wondering if I'll get hurt again.
• It brings me comfort, because... it's familiar, I think. It's certainly not the nicest, most pleasant (pseudo) relationship I've seen - I often feel/felt like I was giving it so much more than he was/is.
• We're both selfish. Undeniably.
• Bluntly putting it, I want to put myself back on the market. I want to move on, but at the same time I want our relationship to be preserved... I suppose because it's like a backup plan, and I would be able to return to it if exploring bombed.
• We're both selfish, but I believe he is more selfish than I am (which is saying something). Perhaps I am biased, but I really think his actions prove the extent of his conceit (sometimes).

Could it be, maybe, that I know what I want, I'm just too scared to admit it? The thought never leaves my mind no matter how much I disregard it, but I guess it's not going anywhere because it's the truth.

And the truth makes me a big, big bitch.