everything was everything, but everything is over

Maybe my sad moods come and go with the weather?

I feel too in tune with what other people are saying and doing, so I think I'm gonna hop out for a while. There are things I'd rather not know. Sometimes, not knowing is the best first step to not caring, in my experience.

I'm going to drive it out of my mind with a fanfic marathon. I can choose what kind of endings I want to read about. I can choose what I want to feel. It's easy.

fried cold weather, blue sky with no pulp

(xanga crosspost)

I woke up to the feel of spring making it's way into the city, and winter losing its hard edge. I woke up to the feel of loneliness in my room, and a desire to not do anything at all.

I sat down with the sunlight streaming delicately into the windows, the blue sky brilliant and cold, but not harsh. The smell of fried food, the hum of the laundry spinning, the ups and downs coming from the tv brought me back to a place I loved a long time ago. A time and place where I had no worries, and there was nothing that "had to be done" except some division homework.

For a moment, I thought I might be back there again.

But I remembered that it was me who made that fried brunch (lunch? after-lunch meal?), and it was me who did the laundry...

When you're young you think you and your parents are invincible. And then you start to realize they're human, just like anyone else... they make mistakes, just like anyone else... they grow old... and where does that leave you? Expected to be growing up and getting more independent and responsible, I feel like I'm not living up to the standards. When you're 20 years old, you can't really attach yourself to your mother's leg and whine.

I am childish and inexperienced. I am foolish and naive. I am, maybe, in denial about the way our world works.

I forgot I could feel like this.

Gone - Esthero ft. Cee-Lo Green

why would you stay if it's killing us both just to be here?
there is no more room to grow and you won't find yourself til you leave me.
it's a beautiful world outside these walls,
and I love you too much to
hold
you
down
with my light shine, and it's blinding you

-- esthero

- - -

or something like that...

what I came to prove

I've got to make up my mind
Stay in or get the fuck out...

What's important? What matters to me? Safety? Comfort?

What do I want?

What am I gaining? What am I sacrificing? What is at stake?

What is best for me?

I'm surprised that when it comes to the truth, no lies, no more trying to ignore things that were said, it's so difficult to figure out... it's so difficult to organize and write down my thoughts.

Let's start with what I am sure about:

• This relationships seeds an insecurity in me. I'm always wondering if I'll get hurt again.
• It brings me comfort, because... it's familiar, I think. It's certainly not the nicest, most pleasant (pseudo) relationship I've seen - I often feel/felt like I was giving it so much more than he was/is.
• We're both selfish. Undeniably.
• Bluntly putting it, I want to put myself back on the market. I want to move on, but at the same time I want our relationship to be preserved... I suppose because it's like a backup plan, and I would be able to return to it if exploring bombed.
• We're both selfish, but I believe he is more selfish than I am (which is saying something). Perhaps I am biased, but I really think his actions prove the extent of his conceit (sometimes).

Could it be, maybe, that I know what I want, I'm just too scared to admit it? The thought never leaves my mind no matter how much I disregard it, but I guess it's not going anywhere because it's the truth.

And the truth makes me a big, big bitch.

silly bunny

number 1:

number 2:

and that is how it's done.

smells like peaches

I'm bored but I'm busy
I've nothing to do
I sit around but I have no time
I am at ease
I have no worries but I am stressed and anxious
I am sad but I am lucky
I am happy but I have no purpose
I am kind
I am thoughtful but I cannot bear to witness your suffering

I am the modern man
I am the modern woman

I am the timeless person we do not wish to be.

in winter, I am...

I am not feeling as though it is winter.

I am not feeling the heavy sadness weighing down my heart. I do not exhale, close my eyes and wish I could just sleep until the season passed. Not anymore... I think.

I think I am changed, I no longer feel the tug of the past on my heart yet I feel guilty for being this way. Half of me has already moved on but I continue to shackle myself to what is already over.

Each time it died I would breathe life into it, I would give it my own breathe so that it might last a little while longer. I knew but I never truly acknowledged how stupid and naive I was being. Now, with less breath, a mess, and the consequences on my hands I cannot do anything until I have sorted it out... but to sort it out would mean to face the truth and I'm not sure if I am capable of that.

I no longer feel it; I think it. And I know, once it is purely intellectual it is no longer genuine. I can't lie to myself, I've never been able to - yet I still do nothing... I drag it out... I know nothing good can come of this. Even then, I hope that I can ignore it long enough for it to lose breathe once more, and this time around I won't give it my own... it will die slowly and it will not have been my fault, seeing as how I have never been obligated to revive it, even from the beginning.

But the guilt... the guilt is real. Even though it's not my fault, the guilt won't go away.